Mucous, Margins, and Magic

Dearest student,
            First of all, I must commend you on your decision to take AP English.  As a rising high school junior, you have inevitably heard rumor after rumor about the class flying around the hallways like a tiny particle of contaminated mucous expelled from someone's nose after an explosive sneeze.  Like such a germ, these rumors are highly contagious and tend to multiply rapidly.  So, yes, I realize that you probably feel scared out of your mind, as you should.  You're in for a wild ride.  So, with that in mind, I would like to take this time to offer you a bit of advice to ensure your success in AP English 11 and 12.
         After approximately eighty minutes of staring blankly at my computer screen, compulsively downloading a multitude of country music that I will probably never listen to from a sketchy website, and lurking around on Facebook, I have alas come to the conclusion that I have failed to abide by first bit of advice to you: do NOT procrastinate.  Do not wait until Wednesday at 8:00 to start thinking about your blog due at midnight.  Do not wait to do your reading or memorize quotes until the period before English class.  Not only because of the stress that it will inevitably cause you, but also because it will keep you from performing to your true potential.  Trust me, you can do more than you realize.  Which brings me to my second piece of advice: you need to feel confident in yourself and in your abilities in order to succeed in AP English.  Yes, I understand and acknowledge that this may present some serious difficulties, especially throughout the first few quarters of your first year of English, when your self-esteem will likely reach an all-time low. Unfortunately, the only consolation I can offer will appear sometime during your senior year--something will click.  Ms. Serensky will hand back that one essay that you actually felt semi-happy with. And it will have a sticker on it.  Yes, a sticker.  Maybe even two or three. Soon, you will come to realize that little on this earth beats that rush of pride and satisfaction when you see that sticker that says "Good Work!" in bright, bold colors plastered strategically on the margins of your essay. (Speaking of margins, do not try to do anything clever with them to buy yourself more space in your essays.  Ms. Serensky WILL notice.) But, in order to get to that point, you need to work.  Hard.  Because it will not come easily.  Not at all.  Do not enter AP English thinking that somehow, some way, Ms. Serensky will just magically teach you how to write and you will understand and proceed to write flawless paper after flawless paper.  Because you will not.  I have found that Ms. Serensky's first priority somewhat ironically does not lie in teaching us to write, but rather in teaching us how to think.  Once we master that, the writing will come.  She knows that, and you need to realize it too.  So, embrace your ever-changing mind as it grows to think critically and analytically.  Learn to enjoy over-thinking everything (except your English assignments). Learn to deal with failure.  Let your failures shape you, not only into a better writer, but also into a better person.  Believe it or not, English class will change you.  For good.  (Almost) like magic.

Every Time a Bell Rings, a Gumdrop Dies

     Ooh, food. Vicki's mom is the best.  She always makes such good food.  It smells so good! Wait, my house key! Where--oh, right. On the conspicuous string of thick twine that I always keep around my neck.  Good.  If I manage to lose those keys again, Mom will have a fit.  Time to eat.  Wow, this pasta tastes wonderful.  A little too much oregano for my liking, though.  Could have used a bit more thyme seasoning in the sauce, and a touch more salt too.  I miss Alie.  We should have kidnapped her and made her come with us.  Making gumdrop trees at Vicki's house makes me so happy.  I love Christmastime.  Wait, why does Ana keep glaring at me? Oh, right. My legs. I should stop jiggling them, I think they make the table shake.  Yes, they do.  Oh, well.  Now, time to make my tree.  Vicki has such strange ideas.  I mean, gumdrop trees? How did she come up with that one?  Hmm... I wonder how exactly I should go about doing this.  I shall just follow Ana's lead.  Take a big styrofoam cone... Take a handful of gumdrops (and maybe eat one or two or seventeen)... Grab a handful of toothpicks... Alright, how hard can this really turn out? Stab a gumdrop with a toothpick, stick the toothpick on the cone.  One down.  Wow.  I quite enjoy stabbing these gumdrops.  Die, gumdrops, die! I wonder if I could somehow make this seemingly innocent tree into some sort of weapon.  Yes, I know I could.  I miss Al Pal.  Weapons.  Toothpicks and gumdrops... I know! Spikes! Perfect.  Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.  No, Catherine, I most certainly do NOT want to watch your stupid Rudolph movie while we make our weap--trees.  No, Ana, under no circumstances will I ever watch "Free Willy."  WHY did Alie not come? She has an impeccable taste in movies.  Takes after me.  Fine, I guess I can settle for Rudolp--NO, VICKI! I WILL NOT WATCH "IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE!" If I hear something about bells ringing and an angel getting its wings ONE MORE TIME I will put this murderous masterpiece of mine to good use. These people that I call my "friends." I swear.  Unbelievable.  Oh, look! I finished my spiked club.  It looks nice.  I can not wait to show Alie. 

A Foolproof Guide to Making (And Keeping) Friends

      "How do you type a farting noise?"

      "Who else has NO idea what Farenheit degrees mean?"

      "Hey everyone, looking forward to getting to know you all! Just so that you all know, I think I'm a gay horse trapped in a young boy's body..."

      As I look at these posts in the class of 2017 Facebook group for the college that I have committed to, I cannot help but wonder, what exactly have I gotten myself into? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, these are all real and recent posts on the page. I have not yet decided if I find them humorous, pathetic, or just plain unsettling.  As the days fly by and graduation rapidly approaches, I come closer and closer to finally facing the bittersweet reality that my days in the safety of the bubble of Chagrin Falls will soon come to an end when I move to New York this fall.  Frightening, I know.  Inevitably, moving away will create endings to so many of the things that I have come to know and love, but, as always, with endings come new beginnings.  Which will undoubtedly prove more difficult for me to handle than the endings. As a generally quiet, introverted person, I tend to have a bit of trouble making friends.  To put this in perspective, I have had the same group of five friends since I moved here in first grade. Sure, I picked up a few acquaintances along the way, but for the most part the group remained constant. So, when I immerse myself in a diverse and completely new community in the fall, I have devised a foolproof plan for making (and keeping) friends. The first and only rule: act mysteriously.  Not in a weird "gay horse trapped in a young boy's body" kind of way, but more so in a way that prompts others to ask questions.  And, hopefully, intrigues them.  Maybe, if I pull it off well, I might even fascinate them with my wild (and completely true) stories about chasing lambs around milkshake stands.  And my naturally sketchy personality.  Hopefully, if all goes according to plan, my mysteriousness will attract the attention of many, and I will not have to put much effort forth into making friends.  And who knows? I might end up teaching my future roommate how to type farting noises.