Boats Against The Current

      Last week, my grandmother asked me what normal high schoolers do on Friday nights.  As a person of very little social intelligence (what I lack in knowledge, I make up in awkwardness), I soon realized that I had no response.  This worried me.  How could I, a senior in high school, not have any idea what people do on Friday nights? Desperate to prove my social stability to my grandmother, though, I pathetically replied with "football."  High school kids go to football games, right? I paused to consider my friends' typical Friday nights, which consist primarily of debate, band, or taking six-hour naps.  Then I paused to consider my last Friday night, which consisted of a six-hour long trip with a rather interesting group of kids to a very sketchy Wal-Mart near the Pennsylvania border with $1,300 (in cash) to spend for a community service project.  After our rather eventful trip, we ended up back in Middlefield, sitting on top of a nearly three-story-high silo, surrounded only by stars and buggies full of rebellious Amish teenagers somehow blasting classical music as their buggies inched past us on the dirt road.  As the stars grew brighter and the night grew later, the wind picked up and the temperature dropped drastically.  Instead of going inside, though, we continued to talk.  And, as the socially competent teenagers that we are, we naturally touched on the subject of great American literature, and of course I brought up The Great Gatsby. Surprisingly, as soon as I mentioned it, my friend's eyes lit up as she excitedly announced that her class had just finished the book on the same day that we had.  And, standing outside in the cold, we began an hour-long discussion and thorough analyzation of the book, particularly of the book's last sentence, which apparently had left its mark on us as we had both memorized it.  As we discussed Gatsby and his mysterious and entrancing state of being, we each reached our own realizations.  I came to terms with the fact that, no, I had no idea what a normal teenager would be doing that Friday night, but I felt fairly certain that it would not be sitting on top of a silo discussing The Great Gatsby at midnight in the middle of what we had not-so-affectionately dubbed Amish Land.  I felt just as certain that it would not come in the form of carrying a borderline-dangerous amount of cash to a Wal-Mart so far from home.  I realized that we acted as manifestations of these boats against the current, going against the flow, ignoring the flow, and overpowering the flow. Instead of floating back to the past, though, we push ourselves toward the future, forcing ourselves beyond those who let the flow carry them backward.  We bring nothing with us but memories of the past, an awareness of the present, and a vision for the future.

Like Clockwork

       Just as I sat down to write my poetry paper on Sunday night, my dad had the brilliant idea to begin to decorate our Christmas tree. For normal people, this would perhaps entail a box of ornaments, lights, a Christmas song or two playing softly in the background, and a few people gathered peacefully around the tree.  Unfortunately, though, as I sat in the corner trying to find some trace of meaning in the supposedly complex ideas of love and blindness and clocks, I realized that making any progress on the paper would not come easily.  As my dad entered the room, he promptly turned on his country Christmas music station up to full blast on his Pandora account and, ever so considerately, placed his laptop right next to me.  Ignoring my death glare, he proceeded to turn on the TV to some warped Hallmark Channel Christmas love story and then, for maybe the fiftieth time this week, complain about my poor choice in trees (he had delegated the task of picking out a tree to me this year, and apparently trees that are wider than they are tall do not live up to his standards. Who knew?), and then began wildly unpacking every ornament he could get his hands on. As he uncovered ornaments that belonged to me (this happened about every three minutes) he ordered me to come  over and put it on the tree.  I grudgingly complied with the first few, but after the tenth ornament and the tenth interruption to my paper I threatened to lock myself in my room.  Completely undaunted by what I considered a fairly menacing statement, he excitedly handed me another one of my ornaments.  I opened my mouth to object, but then shut it just as quickly when I saw the ornament--a miniature china doll adorned in a pale yellow floral dress with a lacy off-white apron.  As I stroked the soft tassels lining the hems of her dress, I closed my eyes and time flew backward, back to third grade, when I had just finished reading The Doll People and had subsequently entered my china doll phase.  I had asked for nothing but china dolls for Christmas and my birthday and little else ever crossed my mind.  As time went on, though, my obsession slowly faded into oblivion and, like clockwork, another phase began: my snowman phase.  And then the Eiffel Tower phase.  And, after that, the rock collecting phase.  And, as I sit right now looking at my Christmas tree, I noticed that I have at least one ornament to complement each stage of my life.  As I continued my paper, listening to my dad and sister loudly and obnoxiously making some kind of cookies in the kitchen, I realized that my dad has gone through some much more dramatic and entertaining phases, including pigeon racing, beekeeping, and flying remote control airplanes.  And, by phases, I mean obsessions. Inevitably, though, with time, each passing phase faded, leaving us only with memories, ornaments, and the rather conspicuous beehive in the backyard.

Trail of Tears

     It's that time of year again. The colorful reminders of fall gradually fade into the dark, depressing labyrinths of winter as the long, bright days of summer turn to the dreary and seemingly endless winter nights.  The days blur together, each one feeling more like the next.  As I searched for a cause of my looming depression, I recently came to the conclusion that it may be a direct result of the fact that I barely see the sun anymore. I spend all morning and afternoon in school, and then I work immediately after, often until seven or eight.  Upon my departure, of course, the sun has long since set, leaving me with just the meager light of the moon, stars, and my headlights to guide me home.  As the night drags on, the vague depression fades to fatigue as I often find myself staying up well past midnight to finish my homework and do other dull, routine tasks. Then, the next day, it starts all over again.  In the middle of today's monotonous routine, though, I found myself pausing to reflect and reminisce to the days of Gurney and sunshine and flowers and happiness and when nothing mattered except avoiding the lunch ladies and the only drama involved who got "benched" at recess.  At first thought, those days seemed so much brighter; we seemed so much more lighthearted and carefree.  As I focused to more closely recall my Gurney experience, though, I realized that there existed a certain darkness, much like the one I feel today, that marred my first- and second-grade years.  It existed as an impending doom that crept into my life, twisting and turning itself about in my head before nestling permanently in my young, innocent mind.  In my mind, it manifested into a looming dread that stalked me around Gurney's comparatively bright and happy hallways. Now what, you ask, could cause such distress in a first grader? For me, it appeared as that one single demanding and infinitely stressful task.  The line leader.  The one to whom the teachers delegated the massive responsibility of trekking around the school with twenty of your classmates trailing along behind you.  The one who teachers entrusted to lead the class from homeroom to art to gym and back again.  The one who teachers yelled at if he or she made any sort of mistake.  While many waited with bated breath for their teacher to read off their name as line leader for the day, I cowered down in my seat, close to tears, careful to avoid eye contact with the teacher. I could not handle the pressure.  What if I accidentally led the class to the music room when we needed to go to the computer lab? What if one of my classmates strayed from the line under my watch? The pressure scared me into a certain state of insanity that even now I do not feel entirely convinced that I have escaped.  Luckily, as the years went on and I grew older, my fear of the treacherous task has waned.  Still, though, I never fail to cower under pressure.  When my friends and peers constantly talk about how they work so productively under pressure, I realize some things never change: I still cringe at the mere memory of the pressure, and, until last year, I never again had to experience it to that same extent.  Upon entering in AP English, the pressure inevitably returned—not quite to the caliber of that of the line leader, but still enough to make me break into a cold sweat whenever I sit, paralyzed, in the middle of a class discussion or in-class writing.  I would like to say that this anxiety has decreased since the beginning of last year, and, to a certain extent, I think it has.  I also realize, however, that I have a lot of work to do before I will be able to successfully work through the stress and the pressure and perform to the best of my ability.